An Ode to Didacticism
If I was a newsagent
I would weep
Blurry tears splashing the moveable type
Oh, will these hands never be clean?
If I was a paperboy
I would pummel your letterbox
With rolled up prongs of hate and headlines
Tits, football, and a crossword you can finish
If I was a drinker
Slumped bitter over bitter
I would snatch the bile from between your fingers
And offer you twos on my Guardian
Give it a go!
It’ll hit you like a revelation
Fashion tips for each new day
Shaped like a doughnut with the face of JFK
It’ll open your mind – I’ve never been surer…
… Stop reading letters
And those who shudder at gipsies
At knives on the street
At the dangers of a glass of red wine a day
At local government
At the BBC
At the benefits of a glass of red wine a day
At oppressed B&B’s
At trade unions
At red blooded socialism and the redistribution of wealth
And perhaps another glass of red wine a day
Baa baa green sheep
And other entertaining animals
At metric martyrs and the EU gravy train
… and house prices
Always, there are the house prices.
These people need a little Polly Toynbee in their lives!
Time for a change.
I’ve fingerpicked the archive
A lever arch file crammed with ten years of Richard Littlejohn
Cross referenced to the sex scenes in his novel
Busts of Karl Marx used in inappropriate ways
Spanking scenes with legal aid
(There’s nothing to be ashamed of, Mr Hague…)
I fumed when Murdoch phone-tapped John Terry
We urged Americans to vote for John Kerry
And Ed Miliband has stopped returning my emails…
I’d like to arrange (if it isn’t too late)
An earnest Oxford Union debate
And therefore achieve the fruit of my labours
And make common folk read quality papers
Rise up the proles! Set down the Sun!
And read Martin Kettle on page 31!
Women! Be counted! Eschew the hair grips!
For Jess Carter-Morley’s hot fashion tips!
Start to vote YES on the AV referendum
If the G2 sells out – try the Independent…
It is – are you?
For deeper discussions, try the New Statesman
I’m filled with more empathy than Patrick Bateman
They haven’t found Maddie! Diana’s still dead!
You can’t stave off cancer by eating less bread!
So why don’t you
Put down that newspaper
And do something more interesting instead.
Watch Men of Straw at the Huffington Post