Fashion Tips for the Last Days

Thursday 1st July 2010

We channelled Patrick Swayze for his opinion on the Austerity Budget

Patrick say: Cut! Cut! Cut!

What would you wear for a shark attack?

Swimwear is so out for fish-related brutality this season – Alexis Petridis is rocking a white linen suit with a bold tie which highlights a deep sea blue and a vivid blood red.

Snappy.

Would Ghandi have voted for Clegg?

We asked Ulster and the answer was NO.

Watching TV this spring?

Accessorise with our flat-screen plasma themed trainers. Click click.

In Albert Square, Eastenders is always on the telly.

Who would dress like this to be kicked by a horse?

Not Patsy Palmer!

She takes the blow of a hoof with hardly a flinch, a delightful summer dress and a straw boater. Bravo!

We set the Enchanting Wizard of Rhythm and the Captain Rommel of the Desert on a task to create the Ultimate Summer Playlist.

Alarmingly, they both chose The Very Best of the Kinks.

Got unsteady legs?

Set them off with this chic bamboo-cane-wizard’s-hat

What a treat.

Bored of war movies?

Simply order the “Young Stalin” full body suit and consign them to the dustbin of history.

Libraries?

Run over them!

Sophistry and illusion?

Set them on fire!

House plagued by stick insects?

If you can’t beat them, join them!

What links Immanuel Kant, a Drunken Rant and the Wonderful Ant?

NOTHING.

Need a new email address?

Just write to us with the worst thing you have ever done in your life and we’ll keep it to ourselves.

Tired of pinstripe?

Get horizontal with a chalk stick and join those lines together to make checks!

Tired of Czechs?

Racist!

Tired of gardens?

You’re looking in the wrong direction!

Don’t have enough coupons?

Here’s some scissors, cut out some more.

Please note we do not accept photocopies.

This limited edition plasticine sculpture designed by John Leslie the celebrity rapist can be yours for just £19.99 plus postage and packing.

Ham is summer’s hot new look.

Drape the paper-thin honey roasted sheets on your face for that elusive appearance.

Shoplifting is back in.

Chainsawing is back in.

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ZEITGEIST.

 


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