If someone had told me six months ago that my Walrus advert was going to be made into a major Hollywood movie, I would almost certainly have laughed at them. Quite a lot. In fact, if someone had told me that it would make any more of a stir than troubling page 9 of the local paper, I would have found that relatively amusing as well.
But in less than 24 hours, I’m going to be flying off to North Carolina to watch Kevin Smith turn my application for a odobenine lodger into some kind of freaky horror film called Tusk.
No, I’m not really prepared. I’ve only ever been on a plane once in my adult life (well, twice if you count the return journey), and I certainly haven’t been on a film set. My only forays into the world of film tend to be dealing with marauding pigeons or filming myself gulping down pints of milk as part of some kind of creepy Lynchian three-voice narrative. I’m still a bit concerned they’re going to turn me away at US immigration for having had communist views at some point in the past. (If you’re reading this, NSA, that was a joke. Being into big-state socialism’s acceptable for travel, right?) Communism was just a red herring.
I have literally no idea what to expect, and in a brief moment of paranoia (possibly a result of watching Red State on Friday night), I briefly considered that perhaps this film is going to be a bit meta for its own good, and I’m actually being lured out there in order to be stitched into a home-made walrus suit myself. If you guys don’t hear from me for a while, PLEASE DO SEND HELP JUST IN CASE.
Seriously, though, even though I don’t have much of an idea what to expect, I’m actually (under all the bluster, nerves and paranoia) really excited about doing this. It isn’t every day that someone asks you to be the associate producer on a horror movie based on a joke you thought up one June afternoon whilst waiting to get a cheese and onion sandwich from the shop across the road from your workplace.
There’s not really much more I can say here at this stage. I won’t have a computer out there but I shall do my best to post some updates from my phone. Hopefully, I’ll be back in the UK in just over a week and should have some exciting stories to tell. And then when the film is finished, hopefully I’ll see you all at the UK premiere (which I reckon ought to be at the Duke of Yorks in Brighton). Here goes nothing. Wish me luck!
Update: Just as a postscript, I’d like to apologise to anyone who genuinely replied to the advert and didn’t get a response. There were over 400 replies and I still haven’t had a chance to properly read through them. I hope you found somewhere to live, although I understand it may not have been such an exciting prospect as the one described in the advert.
I’d also like to thank everyone I know who helped me out when I was trying to get in touch with Kevin Smith. I’m still not entirely sure who it was who finally managed to slip him my email address, but I’m very grateful to all of you for helping to make this a reality!